Stop Putting Yourselves Out There!

By: Matthew Glenside

"I knew. I fucking knew it!" I yelled, so excited about being right, I almost forgot that I should've been throwing my full beer at her dumb fucking face.

"See, this is why I didn't tell you," she retorted in a meek, cautious voice, convinced on some level that she was right. The thin veil of a calm facial expression didn't hide her shame however.

"What did you think was going to happen?"

Arkansas: Shame of America

By: OP Harris



Part of one of my jobs involves calling customers all over the country, which is a fascinating anthropological study in itself.  The people of this fine country are nothing short of a perpetual disappointment on an intellectual level, but unsurprisingly, there is a particular region where the communication skills of the general populace are proportionally more primitive and grunt-and-expletive-centered and the people are even more monumentally boneheaded than the rest of the nation.  This is, of course, The South, but before we go tearing apart a region that has effectively already been dumped heavily upon by the hairy ass of God, let’s look west a bit, to the glorious ingrown dingleberry of America, Arkansas.

I Fucking Loathe My Girlfriends' Friends: A Brief History

By: Matthew Glenside

Somewhere along the course of my tumultuous dating adventures I began to question—is it just me? Could I be the one to blame for the oft-combative nature of my relationship with my girlfriend’s “best friend?” About 5 years ago, I probably would’ve admitted after much alcohol, inward reflection and emotional talk, yes, yes it was me being a douche, being too judgey* and that I’m hopelessly impossible to get along with. 5 years later, alas, present day, it matters not my state of intoxication, nor need for reflection, that no, no it is not my fault. For some reason, I am only attracted to a certain cross-section of girl who is hopelessly too fucking stupid to judge the character of the idiots they call friends.

I find it important to note that for as much of an asshole that I am, and for as much as an asshole ALL of these women will tell you I am (half deservedly, half hyperbolized to the ends of the earth), I am a serial monogamist who never cheats. I’ll force Harris at some point to write about the way I get with women: wicked invested with a touch of worship. I’m a horrible boyfriend on so many levels, but… eh, forget it. Maybe I just am the worst thing in the world.

Allow me to explain after the jump!