Anti-Hipster Hipster Denialists

Every forward thinking American knows that hipsters are a nefarious and superstitious lot. Seething in the underbellies of every major city lies ironic mustaches and the stench of Pabst Blue Ribbon and abject failure. Their every move is governed by what the other cattle in the herd will think—which is the most brain-stabbingly ironic part of their disposition since their very existence depends on being “outside” of group thought!

How ironic.

Yes indeed, daily work commuter! These are the fucks on bicycles who weave in and out of traffic with a smug sense of misplaced pride.

Yessiree, minority urban dweller! These are the new puzzlingly unafraid white trash that have come to gentrify your neighborhood. But don’t fret. Their perceived solidarity with you makes them easy targets for mugging!

Righty-Roo, local V.A. club! Your proud war stories from Vietnam will be drowned out by pale, unshaven, androgynous 20 somethings screaming to 80’s Night karaoke. Your nightmares of surprise Gook attacks will be usurped by visions of a blasted future wasteland ruled by snarky under achievers.

            Should you find yourself in any of these unpleasant scenarios, or brush up against an entitled hipster for any reason, here are some bulletproof guidelines that will ensure that these congealed asparagus farts steer clear:

           

            Right off the bat, looks are KEY. Hipsters apply a shit test immediately to every person that enters their space (note, everything in eyesight is considered hipster space). Be prepared to see a lot of impossibly tight jeans on “men”, and multi-colored, cigarette-hole riddled nylons on women. You’re going to want to immediately repel any chance of inclusion by wearing the old standby—an Ed Hardy T-shirt. Sports Jerseys are also a plus. Make sure they aren’t simply old faded-looking sports shirts. I mean actual jerseys; the more popular the team, the better. To let them know that you’re really the wrong kind of person, a flat brimmed U.F.C./Tapout hat is highly recommended. 

            Music invariably comes up in hipster conversation. Music is the lifeblood of these cretins—shitty, unlistenable music at that. You should know by now that once something beloved by hipsters crosses into the realm of mainstream America, it is almost certainly doomed. Hipsters agonize at the thought of someone lame sharing any similarity; no matter how trivial. While discussing the latest Nickelback CD will surely get a laugh, followed by frantic eye darting to find others to revel in your lameness, you may want to tap a nerve. Something like, “Hey, I recently got into this band called Wilco. They were pretty rockin’. Caught em’ on Jay Leno after Monday Night Football.” Prepare for shunning to commence immediately.

If you couldn’t tell by the hipsters militant stance on music, the very life essence of a hipster is to be on top of a cultural trend before it catches on (followed by a brief period of reveling in cultural glory before termination from sight and memory). If you want to be the ultimate in hipster repellent, you have to appear as if you are culturally clueless. A good scenario would be showing up to a party in Allston, MA (Boston’s Hipster Promise Land) wearing a King’s of Leon tour shirt and spiky, gelled hair. Make sure you bring plenty of Mike’s Hard Lemonade and some socks with those sandals. Try breaking the ice with some lines from The Hangover. Laugh really hard like you just saw the movie before you left for the party and were also laughing the whole ride there. This not only clues them in to your cluelessness, but lets them know that up until now, you’ve never heard of Zach Gapsinfoccia.

Congratulations! You are now forever cast out of Hipster Paradise. Now please take a hot shower. Trust me on this.

-Tony Heartman-

DISCLAIMER: Side effects of aforementioned behavior may result in being shunned by all people and not just hipsters. Rules only apply to the next ten years. After which, they will become part of ironic hipster culture.