The Duke's Decree!

    The hardest part of writing this isn't the lack of material nor is it the urge to refrain from lambasting friends, but determining how scathing I should be and where to draw the line. I've known everyone here for the better part of 10 years. In that time we've become close, grown apart, lived in different states, yet still come back to bitch about the same things. Now that we're bringing this experiment to the "blogosphere" (I fucking hate that term), what better way then to tear each other new assholes.

    Speaking of assholes, Matthew Glenside. I have seen this kids asshole too many times to count. Beginning in high school, from walking into a room with him just waiting spread, to his embrace of smart phones and sending pictures with warm wishes of a "Happy Earth Day."  Most guys can agree that butts and penises are funny, and we've all done our fair share of "bat wings" and "goats," but Matthew is a hairy dude. I might have more hair on my chest, but he's got that dark hair. Really burns the image in your mind. Its one of those things you can't unsee. Not only can I not rid that image from my head, he incessantly feels that you should see it one more time.  Matthew Glenside’s asshole is like 9/11 coverage on FOX news. No matter what you're talking about somehow you're gonna end up seeing a cloud of hair covering the canyon that is his ass.

    It doesn't end there folks. Matthew is very passionate. Now typically that wouldn't be a problem for anyone, unless you were friends with him on Facebook. I say "were" because he left, but in his time there the posts were relentless. You would talk about something with him and 4 minutes later there's a link on your wall. I remember what we were talking about and I don't think anyone else cares about how Amon Amarth is awesome.

    The opposite is true of O. P. Harris. Here's a kid who I never talk to but always have fun with when we hang out. He's the smartest dumbass I've ever met. A Boy Scout who would bring a knife to school. There's a time and place, and the school bus is not the place to whip out a knife. Recently he's been expressing his excitement for seeing Coheed and Cambria.  Might I remind readers this is 2011 and not 2003. I like Coheed but to be as excited as he is, would be like someone telling you that they can't wait to see Third Eye Blind. Sure it'll be fun, but you don't need to tell me. I've seen them. Twice. And the second time I took a nap.  Opie's musical interests have always puzzled me. You can be talking about GG Allin, or At the Drive In or whoever and then he'll say how great the Aquabats! are, leaving you just to stare.

    It seems like I'm just attacking his musical taste so I'll end on him with this. If I have to hear about him and Matthew fighting and not talking to each other one more time…I don't know. They bicker like a married couple. You're friends. Be friends. Its not hard.

    And then there's Tony Heartman.  Worst for last.  I've only seen Tony a hand full of times and I don't think I've ever had a one on one conversation with him. In the limited time I've spent with him I was able to gather that he hates everything. If you order your coffee with three packets of sugar instead of just two, he'll hope you die from diabetic shock.  On the last occasion we were talking about Hipsters, which reluctantly I will admit am one. He was arguing the point that people now watch WWE to be ironic. I will also admit that I, from time to time, will watch a Pay-Per-View. Now I could careless that he was making fun of wrestling. I make fun of wrestling. But there isn't a soul out there that would watch wrestling to be ironic. Do you think people have that much free time to sit and watch the WWE just to be ironic? What subgroup of hipsters hang out sipping their wine, listening to Peter Bjorn and John, and discuss the current rivalry between the Miz and Rey Mysterio?  (Go ahead and look it up Glenside, its correct). I'll tell you. ZERO. Heartman says some of the best things but you have to stop at some point an realize that your anger isn't even directed at something thats real.