Thursday, May 19, 2011

HEART TO HEART WITH TONY HEARTMAN


O. P. Harris resembles a shaved, faggy horse (his lip ring helps emphasize the ‘faggy” part). “Opie”, as he is unlovingly called, is a fan of music and Sticking It to the Man. His band Fugitives and Refugees pays tribute to those suffering under brutal Dracut, MA—a town that is over 97% white—to write about the plight of the forgotten man. Harris reportedly started his incredibly unsuccessful career as a musician after he was shaken over the continuing dispute between his town’s Board of Selectman and a local bark mulch company. Harris has since relocated his rebellious nature to Portland, Oregon where he helps celebrate “Diversity Day” by taking solace in the fact that all of their black people are in prison.


Van [Duke of New York] is a trendy, NYC hipster who has no biceps to speak of. He is fond of maintaining his ironic mustache in the hopes of wrangling trashy NYC broads with Daddy-hatred-complexes and cage-free neon nylons. Some of his hobbies include throwing WWE Pay-Per-View parties, taking photos of vegan meals at the local fair-trade-certified co-op, joining Facebook causes, and disappointing women.



Matthew Glenside is a miserable piece of fucking shit. His unjust anger comes from his numerous failures in life--particularly jobs, women, and hygiene. This unholy trinity of shame follows him like a shit-aura. Despite his enumerable shortcomings, he treats all others with contempt as if they are uncultured morons who leave trails oozing everywhere they go like so many slugs—yet most of his career can be surmised as cleaning up said slugs’ trails. Women tend to admire his impossibly sharp apathy, until they actually see what he does all day. But Glenside does not let setback after setback deter him. Nay, he brushes off day-old peanut butter sandwich crumbs, tucks in his soiled wife-beater and takes on the day…all while in the comfort of his chair/fart filter.

1 comment:

  1. This is more like it. You really captured that Seinfeld edge. That's how you know it's funny.

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